It can be hard, when you are in distress, to reach out. You don’t really want to burden anyone - including yourself - with the true depth of your feelings, the full apparent despair of the situation. And it seems hopeless to do so - what would such a move accomplish, aside from forcing you to articulate your own unhappiness, and to trace it on to someone else? I decided that I did not really want to tell anyone, did not want to trouble myself with the task of explaining nor anyone else with the task of empathizing. I made a phone call to a very close friend, had a terse conversation about the matter, hung up before I could start crying, and turned to making dinner.
Try to act normal, I told myself, but my breath kept catching oddly in my throat, and it felt to me that my heart was not beating in a steady rhythm. Everything around me looked a little blurry, and I could not focus my attention properly. My younger son kept asking me to open bananas for him - he adores starting bananas but abhors finishing them - and instead of trying to distract him or talk him out of it, I opened banana after banana, leaving a pile quickly-browning, one-bite-eaten bananas on the counter. I called my husband once, twice, three times on the phone, but found that I had nothing to say and that nothing he said could help me. Trying to assemble ingredients for soup, I kept running into problems, things that would normally be minor wrinkles but, in the state I was in, became vastly puzzling conundrums. After several smaller issues, I found that we were out of onions and garlic. I could not quite process this setback, and stood frozen, gaping, in front of the stove for several minutes. Finally, I pulled myself together and found a couple of old wrinkled cloves of garlic next to the stove behind the ghee as well as some floppy celery in the back of the fridge. My older son had finished watching his evening video, and my younger son was jumping up and down for my attention, so I let them help me cook - the older dumping ingredients into the pot and the younger putting the dirty dishes and utensils into the sink. I was somewhat surprised to find that, after a certain amount of time, there was a pot of proper soup on the stove.
After the soup was made, though, I realized that I did not have an appetite myself, nor the focus necessary to actually feed it to the children or get them ready for bed. Instead, with what would normally be dinnertime past and bedtime quickly approaching, I just sat down on the couch and stared at the wall as they ran around the living room. After awhile, my older son pressed a tin truck into my hand. “Mama, let’s play cars!” I made a few desultory gestures with the truck as he started to spin a weird car story. I began to drift into sleep. I could hear my older son talking - about mutant fire trucks that were created via lab accidents - but my mind and body felt heavy, shut down. Slowly, I became aware of the distinct feeling that something was not right. I opened my eyes. My older son was still sitting in front of me, talking about cars. “Where’s your brother?” “He’s playing with the trash in the kitchen.” I jumped up from the couch, but it was too late. A sharp cry came from the kitchen, and rounding the corner of the counter, I saw that my younger son had his thumb caught in a can from the recycling bin. I pulled it out as gently as I could and found, to my relief, that it was only a small, shallow cut. I cleaned it, and my older son brought a Spiderman bandage from the bathroom, which my younger son forcefully rejected.
It was around then that my husband got home. I was too foggy to really figure out what was going on, but I had the impression he might be irritated with me, irritated that I had been strange on the phone, irritated that I could not be easily consoled, irritated that the children had not been fed, and especially irritated that the younger did not have a bandage on his cut. I could not bring myself to explain that the injury had occurred because I had fallen asleep when I should have been mothering. After some confusing interaction, I stumbled into the bedroom with my younger son, leaving my husband the task of feeding, pajama-ing, brushing, reading to, and putting to sleep the older one. I fell asleep immediately.
After about three hours of heavy dreamless sleep, I woke up, made myself some tea, started the diaper laundry, and sat down to write about my bad news. To write about this, and to put that writing on the internet, is to run directly counter to my earlier decision to tell no one. I cannot help it that the two impulses are equally strong, or that the internet allows me to have it both ways. Now, everyone who reads this will know that I have had bad news and that, at the time of this writing, I don’t wish to discuss the matter. If they run into me, they will have to decide on their own whether or not to talk to me about it. It’s a funny thing, that.